Barriers
to Listening
The
following tend to shut other people down, as they do not feel
heard or understood:
Advice
-Giving - You’ve already solved the problem for them, so
why do they need to continue to talk?
Moralizing
or judging - This gives two messages, one, that you think there
is something wrong with the other person, and two, that you are
better/superior/wiser than s/he is. This is not conducive to getting
someone to open up to you.
Interrupting
- This gives the message that you really don’t think what
they are saying is all that important.
Psychologizing
or Psychoanalyzing - This involves making the assumption that
you know more about what’s motivating the other person’s
behavior than s/he does, and is demeaning. (E.g., you’re
just acting this way because you’re mad at your mother.)
People don’t feel respected and either get angry or withdraw.
Taking-Over
- Talking over the other person and dominating the conversation,
thus not allowing him/her to express important thoughts and feelings.
Going
off on Tangents - Again, this gives the message that you really
don’t think what they are saying is important enough to
listen.
Scapegoating
– Immediately labeling or classifying the other in a negative
way. Men tend to scapegoat women as “nags” or “bitches,”
while women scapegoat men as victimizers or insensitive and unable
to express feelings. Either way, you’re dismissing what
the other is saying. After all, you tell yourself, why should
you have to listen to a nag? You’re justified in ignoring
her!
Competition
– Entering every discussion with the mind set that you must
win, no matter what. You’re too busy plotting your next
move to really pay attention to what the other is saying.
Blaming
– Telling the other it’s his/her own fault for being
in this situation. This may or may not be true, but either way
it will not encourage the other to want to continue to talk to
you.
Mr.
or Ms. Perfect – You are always right and everyone else
is always wrong. What more is there to discuss?
Defensiveness
– Jumping to the conclusion that you are being blamed or
criticized, and responding defensively. This makes it difficult
for others to talk with you about anything important.
Counseling
Services
Eastern Michigan University
Snow Health Center, Top Floor
734. 487.1118
