LOSS
AND GRIEF
College
offers many challenges: new friends, new classes, new responsibilities,
and a new environment. When, in the midst of all this stress,
a student is faced with the death of a loved one, the effect can
be devastating and incapacitating. It is only through the grieving
process that a person can find the comfort and hope to go on with
life.
THE
GRIEVING PROCESS
The
grieving process has four phases which may occur in any order.
One stage is fear. Questions you may ask yourself include: Can
I survive without this person? Will I be able to stay in school?
Who will I look to for support? Another stage is guilt, when we
may regret missed opportunities with the loved one. Sometimes
we feel guilty that we are surviving and they are dead. Sometimes
we experience a third stage which is anger. Perhaps we are angry
at the world, with the unfairness of it all. We might be angry
at the loved one for leaving us--then feel guilty for feeling
the anger. The final, quieter stage is that of sadness. We feel
deeply the loss, and experience the physical pain of grieving.
HOW
TO GRIEVE
Shared
Grieving:
Most cultures have ceremonies and rituals to help people accept
the reality of their loved one's death, to release some of their
sadness, and to help them take their first steps to the acceptance
of their loss. Talking to friends and relatives to share the powerful
feelings of the loss can help relieve some of the pain. Sometimes,
students will feel the responsibility to "be strong"
for their parents' sake. They are there for everyone else, helping
them deal with their grief, but keep their own feelings inside.
Remember it is important to heal your own sense of loss.
Share
Your Feelings:
One of the most helpful ways to grieve is to share your feelings
with people you can trust. Unfortunately, a student may be living
with people who are practically strangers. If this is true, it
is important to seek out a counselor or visit a close friend or
relative with whom it is possible to be relaxed to talk about
thoughts and feelings. Sharing feelings about the loss with an
accepting person can help one understand its real meaning and
will help heal the pain.
Crying:
Besides talking, it is important to allow yourself to cry--as
often as needed. Depending how one is raised, unfortunately, this
might be seen as a sign of weakness. If so, you can still allow
yourself to cry in private, and then perhaps in the company of
a trusted person. Talking and crying are fundamental means of
self expression. They allow feelings which are locked inside us
to be expressed, and help dissipate the sadness.
HOW
LONG SHOULD GRIEVING TAKE?
Sometimes
the most caring friend may send "it's time to get on with
your life" messages, causing the grieving student to feel
guilty about feeling sad. The experts point out that there is
no right amount of time to grieve a loss. "It takes as long
as it takes," they point out. One thought to hang on to is
that no matter how severe the pain, it won't last forever. Given
enough time, the pain diminishes to a manageable level so you
can refocus your life and redirect your energies. However, if
your sadness seems to be lasting too long and/or is too intense,
see a counselor or other health professional for further evaluation.
THINGS
TO REMEMBER
1.
Since your energy level may be low, don't push yourself.
2. Discipline yourself to eat well, to get enough sleep, and to
exercise in your usual manner.
3. Avoid physical excesses.
4. When you do not have close friends nearby, keep a journal.
Write down the thoughts, feelings, and memories you have about
the lost person.
5. Allow your friends to slowly pull you back into your regular
social activities.
6. Eventually, you can: Enjoy music! Enjoy nature! Read Poetry!
Enjoy your good memories!
Allow yourself to reclaim life and the special things it holds
for you.
If
you'd like to speak with someone at Counseling Services, call
734-487-1118.
Counseling Services
Eastern Michigan University
Snow Health Center, Top Floor
734-487-1118
